“Teaching an Autistic child is just the same as teaching any child social skills. We all need social skills to make friends, form relationships and get jobs later in life.”
This is something I hear all too often. And while it’s often said with good intentions, it reveals a deep misunderstanding of what Autistic communication actually is — and how harmful it can be to try and change it.
So let’s break this down. Here are 15 reasons why teaching neuro-conformative social skills to Autistic children is not only unnecessary — it’s damaging.
1. It devalues Autistic culture and communication
When we teach Autistic children to perform neurotypical behaviours, we’re sending a message: your natural way of connecting isn’t good enough.
This isn’t teaching — it’s cultural erasure.
2. We don’t do this to non-Autistic children
Imagine insisting that every non-Autistic child undergo hours of therapy just to be accepted socially. We don’t. So why is it OK for Autistic kids?
3. It forces mimicry, not authenticity
Most social skills programs aren’t universal — they teach neurotypical norms. Kids are taught to suppress their instincts and rehearse behaviours that feel unnatural. That’s not social learning — that’s performance.
4. Autistic children already have social skills
Autistic kids communicate, bond, and interact — in ways that are deeply valid and meaningful. They don’t lack skills; they have different ones. The problem is that society often refuses to learn their language.
5. Relationships don’t require sameness
Across the globe, people form friendships across cultural differences. The key isn’t conformity — it’s mutual understanding. Why should Autistic kids be the only ones asked to abandon their way of being?
6. It enforces one ‘right’ way to be human
Teaching neuro-conformative social skills assumes that neurotypical behaviour is the gold standard. That’s not inclusion — it’s assimilation.
7. It glorifies behaviours that go unchecked
Many so-called “social skills” (like forced eye contact or small talk) are never critically examined. Are they inherently good? Or just habitual to a particular culture? We need to start asking.
8. It ignores what Autistic people bring to social spaces
Autistic communication can be clear, direct, and deeply attuned. Imagine if we didn’t suppress it, but learned from itinstead?
9. Exclusion based on communication is discrimination
If a child is left out because of their natural communication style, that’s not a flaw in the child — it’s a flaw in the system.
10. Misjudging Autistic kids is also discrimination
When we label Autistic children as “rude” or “awkward,” we’re not observing — we’re misinterpreting. And those misinterpretations carry lifelong consequences.
11. It teaches shame
Underneath every behaviour chart and social story lies the same message: you’re doing it wrong. That message becomes internalised, and it sticks.
12. It centres others over the child
So much social skills training is about how the child’s behaviour affects others — not how others affect the child. That’s not support — that’s control.
13. It conditions compliance
Teaching Autistic kids to constantly consider others’ comfort at the cost of their own is not social learning — it’s grooming.
14. It’s based on outdated, poor science
The idea that Autistic people lack empathy or social insight has been thoroughly debunked — yet programs built on those ideas still get funded, promoted, and applied daily. That’s a problem.
15. It denies Autistic kids autonomy
When we frame children as blank slates to be “fixed,” we strip them of their agency. Autistic kids are not passive passengers in their lives. They are whole human beings with rights, boundaries, and preferences — right now.
So what’s the alternative?
Instead of trying to make Autistic children act like they’re not Autistic…
Let’s change the environments they live and learn in.
Let’s understand their communication, not correct it.
Let’s create spaces where they feel safe, accepted, and proud.
Let’s give professionals the tools to support them without shame.
That’s exactly what we do in my flagship course: Get Konnected.
We don’t teach you how to “fix” kids.
We teach you how to connect — for real.
🔗 Learn more about the course and join the next cohort here.
